I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
