A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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