im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
