She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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