I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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