dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
