Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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