Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
