I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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