I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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