This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
