What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
