to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
