my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
