come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
