Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
