please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
