allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
