I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
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