Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
