Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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