i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Im part way to drunk.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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