That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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