Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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