I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
