I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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