Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
