Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize