I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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