This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
