Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
