I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
