I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
