Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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