Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
The beer is more important than you right now.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
