Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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