i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
