mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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