Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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