I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
