remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
