he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
