Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
