I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
