i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
