She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
