Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize