a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
