If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
