So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
How does one acquire holy water?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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