my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize