I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize