I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
