from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
