The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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