You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize