Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
