u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
