I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
How's work?
Spinning.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
